saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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