someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
