I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
There's even glitter on my cock...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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