I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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