What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
