like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
