every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
