yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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