im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
