just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
