Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
