if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
