First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
