You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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