u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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