The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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