the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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