I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
