Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
