I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
