Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
