apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
