I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
