I am spending my child support on dildos
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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