I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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