i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
