She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
