...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Rumble strips road head = magical
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
