I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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