Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
