Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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