My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
