I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
