My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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