I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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