So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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