True but thats because hes a fetus.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
