I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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