we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
