I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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