I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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