I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
