don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
