need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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