I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
