R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
