so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
