Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
