The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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