Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
