it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
