first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
