I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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