I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
