you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
