a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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