so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
