It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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