just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
