I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
