none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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