I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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