he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
